Beyond Our Control

Ashby

As I sit on a plane returning from a business trip, I think about the plane dropping from the sky.  I'm not afraid to fly.  I am afraid of leaving you behind and not finishing my work as your mom.  I'm really not afraid of much, so I'm taking the time to address my fear of leaving you behind by writing this.  I haven't written in a long time, so I am grateful. 

I continue to be tasked with the challenge of embracing uncertainty.  This undertaking has been a gift and I want to share it with you and explore of how much joy can come from accepting your journey as uncertain.  There will always be more questions than answers.  Try to resist the urge to come to conclusions too soon or to tell yourself that achievement of 'X' is what it will take to make you happy.  How can you know if you've never experienced 'X'? What happens after you get to 'X'?  Nothing bad will ever happen again because you got there?  Also, resist the urge to see adversity or failure as defeat.  It's only over when you stop trying.

If you can move through life with curiosity and openness, you do not have to know all of the answers or end at a predetermined station in life to gain fulfillment and wisdom.  Wisdom is found by continually reaching out to find truth and spiritual peace as long as you draw breath.  Its being aware and grateful of each positive interaction and connection in your life.  It is not stagnant, it is evolution...and it can be so beautiful.

I often get jittery when traveling to a new place.  My nervousness stems from not knowing what I am supposed to do or which route I am supposed to take to get there.  I was getting impatient waiting for a shuttle from my hotel to the airport earlier today.  I took a moment to quiet my mind and looked around at the beautiful landscaping.  I became grateful for the soft breeze and sunlight that warmed my skin.   I pulled the air into my lungs and I felt calmed by it. I became aware that I was safe and my anxious state faded away.  If I needed to call a cab to get to the airport on time, I would call one.  If I needed help finding the right terminal, I would ask.

 I was focusing on how I wouldn't be successful at finding my way home instead of trusting that I would.  As I accepted my circumstance it became clear that there were many ways to find my way if my initial path would not lead me there. There will often be circumstances that can feel out of your control.  Accepting these as cathartic opportunities can make finding equilibrium and peace shorter journey. 

Some people think pacifism or 'going with the flow' is a non-active or weak way of living.  Quite the contrary, to accept an impasse as immovable doesn't mean defeat, it's a chance to discover a new path with the knowledge that it is the path you were intended to take all along.  Your spirit is much less damaged by moving with your circumstances and being grateful for challenges than it is by pushing against what is happening because your circumstances don't seem fair or deserved.  You must keep going.

A challenge to this is failure to acknowledge yourself as divine.  You are meant to love and be loved.  Loving yourself and treating yourself as a dear friend is crucial in finding your way.  Be still when negative feelings or self perceptions arise, do not feed it.  Instead, listen quietly and know as any dear friend would tell you that a flaw is only a flaw if it is perceived as one.  Love and forgive yourself as the very first step in embracing the unknown that is your life!  Perceive yourself as a beloved companion and don't give up on that relationship as long as you live no matter how challenging.  It is how you are meant to be.  

I can't protect you from the world as I watch you grow and interact out there.  I can only hope that the small lessons along the way will teach you how powerful and brilliant your spirit is while still embracing your vulnerability to external circumstances.  I've got my eyes on you, son.  I am with you all the way.  I will lend a hand, a shoulder or a screwdriver whenever you need a little help up.  I don't think either one of us will stop learning or growing anytime soon...  

All my love,

Mom

Knowing, Doing and the Road Less Traveled

Dear Ashby,

'Knowing vs. Doing' has been a recurring theme in the last few weeks, so I thought I should write to you about it.  There was an article at work about it, a friend posted about it on Facebook and I've been doing some work on myself to determine what prevents me from reaching my full potential as well.

You watch a show called Ninjago (a shameless Lego promotion in show form) about 4 young Ninjas who are training and fighting the bad Snake people along the way.  We play Ninjago and in battle when your character "reaches his full potential," you pull your clenched fists into your chest and act as if you are getting power from a big beam of streaming light from the sky and then outstretch your arms and the scene always ends with you falling to the ground drained.  Obviously, the 'reaching your full potential' phrase was thrown around in the show and I was curious about your interpretation of it.  I should mention that Lego also sells Ninjago cards that assign points to characters and their different types of moves.  As the Ninja's practice and develop their skills, they get new outfits and their card point value goes up (props to Lego for their marketing genius with the PC parents of today).

I asked you what does it mean to 'reach your full potential' and you said it meant to get stronger.  I asked how that happened and you said it came with practice.  I asked why reaching your full potential makes you fall to the ground and you became annoyed because you weren't sure.  Eventually you said it was because it wears you out to get that power.

You're spot on, Ash.  Even thinking about it is pretty scary.  If you know or even suspect what your full potential is, what comes next?  Doing?  Yeah, that's definitely scary.  Is your full potential a place?  Or is it an infinite amount of stairs to run up?  A fabulous garden just doesn't get that way, it has to be given constant attention.

It's way less intimidating to ignore our stored greatness and avoid the scary road less traveled.  If I don't plant the garden, I won't have to take care of it.  If I don't plant the garden, then when I fall short and don't take care of it, I won't feel bad.  Fear of success and failure don't seem so different to me.  The outcome is the same, the garden doesn't get planted.

But you know, I want to eat some fresh veggies and smell flowers that I've grown.  And what is fear?  I despise fear, just ask Nana!  She thinks I'm too brave for my own good.  Shortly after realizing that fear has stopped me from enjoying everything I want to be, have and achieve, I've decided that's just not going to work for me anymore.  I'm going on a grand adventure down the road less traveled. And by the way, I'm taking you with me. We will see and do amazing things and it won't be tomorrow, or when the weather is better, or when I'm not so tired.  It starts now.

I love you and I love our life,
Mom

'Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.'

         ~from Dr. Suess'  'Oh the Places You'll Go.'

Trust Yourself

Dear Ashby,

A song by Paul Simon to his daughter came on the radio about a week ago.  I had heard it before, but it struck me this time because he advised her to trust her instincts.  He didn't say, don't talk to strangers, don't do drugs, don't be a sore loser...this concept intrigues me!  What a fabulous and brilliant instruction!

What are instincts and intuition?  We are born with them, they are built in.  Our parents try to convey the weight of their life lessons to enhance their offspring's intuition.  Also, is built in.  I feel certain that the sigh and eye-roll response from the child is also built in.  Talk is cheap.  Experience is a better teacher than a parent.  This is hard to admit as a parent, and I don't plan to share this with you for a long time!

While the desire to try out our intuition comes early in life, as a parent I see now that it's harder to let you experience failure authentically, than it is to protect you from it.  If I'm shouting with my inner voice, how will you be able to hear your own?  I want you to have the chance to choose good over evil as you learn the consequences.  If you learn that your instincts are valid when the stakes aren't as high, then you'll be a pro by the time your life may depend on it.  I have to trust that I've done my job.  If you have the chance to fail and succeed on your own (based on your own best judgement), then you'll know who and what to avoid and you won't question or ignore your inner voice.

The fact of the matter is, I don't want you to need me to get by.  But letting go isn't an easy task, nor is the process clear-cut.  I'm not going to let you stay up until midnight, eat unlimited amounts of candy or watch TV until your big blue eyes turn red.  Instead, I have been practicing asking you questions to get a feel for your perspective.  My goal is to uncover and observe your strengths first, then help bring them to light and develop them into what will serve you best.  It's hard not to ask you leading questions once I form my opinion and it's really hard to not tell you what I think or what you should do or how you should feel...I'm pretty sure by the time you read this, you will understand that this is an understatement.  The practice benefits me, too. I want to trust and act on my own instincts more reliably and this keeps me focused on it.  

I've seen you choose to do the right thing in an unprovoked way. You'll tell me that you already had a bath at dad's as your eyes dart away from mine.  If I try to call you on it, you'll deny, deny, deny!  But if I ask a follow up question in a non-accusatory manner, you'll pretty much confess that you haven't bathed by the end of your next sentence.  I can't tell you how happy I am when that happens.  What a brilliant child you are!  I don't blame you for testing me, you're a worthy opponent.  I grow more proud of you each day.

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” ~Albert Einstein

I hope to help us both remember our gift.  I love you.

Mom

Death and Love

Dear Ashby,

Your dad used to say, 'He's just sleeping,' if we were watching a movie that showed someone dead lying there to make me feel better.  When you and I play you often say that you got killed but your story always contains your return to life.  Oh, how I wish that were true and that you would never realize that death isn't temporary.

We have recently lost some family and friends and how wonderful it would be if they would return to us.  How wonderful it would be if we could have stopped time when we were singing Delta Dawn on the front porch, or when parents laid eyes on their children for the first time, or when we would gather together in a backyard and share our family's signature recipes as we enjoyed eachother's stories of the past and present.  How wonderful it would be to sit on a lawn chair and catch up while the second and third cousins laugh and play around us.  How wonderful it would be to hear stories again told by voices we will so dearly miss.

When someone leaves us, neither pagan nor Pope can know with certainty their fate.  Human compassion for our fellow man in the name of God (and for it's own sake) is limitless.  We cannot think that God's compassion could be less our own.  It's possible that the rules man has interpreted as God's law could be the same as a young child's understanding of gravity.  Isn't there room for more humility in our mortal interpretation?  The pain of loss and mourning is enough to bear, there's no question for me that we all return home.  You may interpret 'home' as you wish, Son.        

We come in and leave this world touching the hearts of so many people around us.  There are beloved family members that you never got to meet and some that died before you were old enough to remember them.  It's impossible to know how long we'll have the gift of their company.  When we lose someone our thoughts always return to our time with them like movies in our minds.  The pain is ours to bear, their pain has ended.  Is it possible through this pain to celebrate them?

What more can we do but remember that smile and laugh?  Remember the times you were there for each other when things weren't so good and times their existence made things better.  Remember the love given and received and all of the reasons that endeared them to us.  Maybe all that we can do is make sure the time with have with those who are beside us now is something we can look back on and celebrate.  And through the pain of loss lean on each other and know the pain is shared just as the love.



I hope it will be a very long time before you have think about these things. I hope you won't find out for a very long time that these days we live together now will one day be in the past.  But, if there's anything I want to know about death and loss, it is that love will always remain as brilliant and real as it is right now.

I love you,
Mom 

Home for the Holidays

Dear Ashby,

Every year there's a mad dash beginning at Halloween and ending 2 months later.  It entails cleaning, cooking, shopping, traveling and having a to-do list twice as long as my legs in-hand at any given time, except when I'm at the store or running errands and I need it.  This my child, is what we call the holidays....well some of us call it the holidays and other people get mad about that.  'The holidays' can include any or all of the following:  Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas and New Years...there may be more but I'm not aware of them.

Some people think that calling it the holidays or saying 'happy holidays' is a insult to Christians, but I think it's more of a 'Pop, Soda, or Coke' kind of scenario. When you're in Cincinnati, it's 'pop', when you're in New York or just about anywhere Northeast of Ohio, it's 'soda', and when you're down South, it's 'Coke', or 'Pepsi'...but no matter how you say it, they are carbonated beverages.

  The reason that some people say it's offensive is because retailers tell their employees not to say 'Merry Christmas' because not everyone celebrates Christmas and it may offend a patron.  I'm sure that's possible, not in South Carolina but somewhere I'm sure!  I often wonder why they are patronizing places that hold such contrary beliefs to their own, maybe they'd be better off to shop somewhere else instead of getting mad about it.  I can't have any extra agitation this time of year, it's stressful enough getting my to-do list done. So, I don't get offended when someone says 'happy holidays.'  It's always better than giving me the finger or cutting me off in traffic (which is more common around the holidays).  It seems kind of silly to me that loving thy neighbor by wishing them well would enrage anyone...maybe it's flawed thinking, but I'm going to stand by it.

What do the holidays mean for you?

Lets start with our trip to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving:

1.  New Movies:  On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, the library has an incredibly poor selection of scratched DVD's.  So I added 'buy new DVD's for trip' to the To-Do list (which really means go to the used bookstore and grab the $3.00 previously viewed DVD's, but nonetheless still a win for you).
2.  I 'found' your Nintendo DS:  I put DS games out there as a gift idea for the family...but your DS has been missing for months.  It thought was a horrible idea to buy you one right before Christmas, so I 'found' it at a pawn shop for $70.00.  I didn't want to feel like I was spoiling you, so I told you that I found it...yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense (win #2).
3.  You inevitably get more junk food:  This happens because like any good opportunist, you see a chance and take it. I'm often too distracted to say 'no' when traveling or multi-tasking (win #3).
4.  You inevitably get away with more:  You scream from the back seat with your headphones on, "TURN IT DOWN, I can't hear my movie!!!'  Then I yell back, "NO, turn your movie up! I've already turned this down and I can barely hear it!"  Then I realize that the first 2 times you yelled it, I did turn it down!  You were yelling at me and it worked! (Win #4-instead of a long winded lecture on how to talk to adults and other people in general from your mother while in time-out, yellling actually works).  Not sure why I was surprised that you've used 'No!' on me since we've been back....

I suppose we both behave badly around the holidays intermittently. And because I'm stressed sometimes, so are you.  I'm sorry for that and I will continue to work on it.  Despite the stress, I believe that it's the most wonderful time of the year because I get to experience it with you.

Love,
Mom

Facebook Posts about Ashby 2010-2011

Like my parents when I was young

Dear Ashby,

I worry.  Shhhh.  Don't tell.   I despise worrying because worry isn't action.  Worry is what victims do.  Action is triumph.  Everyone used to say I was too sensitive and I worry that you are, too.  It's pretty ironic because if someone criticizes that same quality in you, my mother-bear instincts kick-in to overdrive...yeah I'm sensitive. What is 'too sensitive'?  Is it curable?  Should it be?

My objection is that attempts to 'toughen' me up only served to hurt my feelings and didn't change my temperament at all.  With this in mind, I try to teach you to cope and to take action.  I know I can't change that things bother you. When those around me hurt, I know it and I feel it, too.  I don't think being aware of that is a bad thing. I want you to know that it is in your power to affect change in what makes you unhappy. When this world hurts you, it is your choice to surrender as powerless or to recognize your pain and use that emotional energy to better the situation instead of allow it to consume you.

If you learn this early, you can harness the power of your depth of feeling and recognize the control you have over your relationship with this world.  I work really hard to give you choices and that your decisions and the right choices can better your life and the wrong ones have consequences.  I take offense that being sensitive is bad.  There's a long line of feeling deeply in your family.  You have a lot of fire-cracker genes in you and it works both ways.  It can hurt you and it can hurt others.  However, if you have the tools to manage the power of your feelings I really believe that your life can have a texture and vibrancy that makes the unavoidable pain and joy worth every moment.  I love you, little man.   I always thought all of the worry mom and dad had was silly because I was always fine. I suppose the kid in me should have a talk with the mom in me, huh?   When you feel deeply, it's inevitable that your strength builds like scars and we end up 'strong like bull' and the joy we feel that much more exquisite.

I love you,
Mommy