How to Grow Roots in Any Climate

Ashby,
When I was little, Matt and I went to Dad's every other weekend.  Our home was without question at 4903 Orland Road.  I worry about you feeling secure because you're at 11 Ellesmere Drive every Monday and Tuesday, then at your dad's Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend.  You end up with 2 or 4 nights at your dad's each week.  Before we decided on what our custody arrangement would be, I tried to research it on-line.  Every site I visited had an agenda or a point of view that they were trying to 'sell'.  There wasn't much science or objective information about which custody arrangements are the most beneficial for children. I asked Donna if she knew about any studies because she works at Virginia Tech and teaches Sociology. She sent me the study that dad and I eventually based our custody arrangement on.  Kids were more well adjusted (based on grades, school dicipline records, criminal record, personal accounts, etc ) when they had equal access to both parents.  I remembered that Matt was resentful of Mom because he didn't get to see his dad after he moved out.  I didn't want that to happen to you.

Nana urged me to get you into Karate right after dad moved out. It was every Monday and Wednesday.  Dad and I both made it to nearly every one, so you got to see your dad an extra day.  I think it helped you with the transition, too.  Nana was integral in making it work. She not only paid for the first 4 months, she picked you up from school and took you there whenever she wasn't working.  You gave her a hard time for a while. Usually it was because you were expecting your dad to pick you up from school.  I tried to tell you what to expect each morning, but sometimes I forgot to tell you what day it was and sometimes your dad couldn't pick you up.

We were all trying to adjust to the huge change in our lives.  Nana was preoccupied with making sure that I was OK when your dad first left because she didn't have much support when she went through her divorce.  When she watched you, she would normally rush around the house cleaning or cooking so I wouldn't have so much to do when I got home.  This left her with less time to play with you.  Plus, she wasn't very good at imaginary sword-fighting or playing magic tranforming weaponized surfers, at least at first.  You two definitely bonded, a little later on. 

Each of us had to figure out what this new configuration meant to us.  It wasn't easy, we had our own wounds that needed to heal on top of obsessing over keeping you emotionally whole.  But, sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes, we needed some time to pass before it became bearable.    

Meeting Carmella

Dear Ashby,

After we split, Dad and I discussed how to handle another person coming into your life when we began dating. We agreed that we would both have a say about the best way to present it to you and give the other a chance to meet this person before introducing you.  We stuck to our plan when your dad told me about his new love about a year later.  He wanted you to meet her, so the three of us planned to meet for lunch.  Meeting her made me nervous and excited in a strange sort of way. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, Carmella and your dad were already sitting at a table. He stood up and gave me a hug.  We hadn’t hugged for a long time, so I knew it was his way of settling my nerves.   Even though all 3 of us were a little tongue tied I could tell that she was trying to make me comfortable.  We talked about her daughter, you and your dad.  As we acknowledged that this was all uncharted territory, she shared how she felt when she was in my shoes and met her ex’s first girlfriend.  She explained how she wasn’t jealous of her, but felt unsettled by the possibility of another woman being in an intimate relationship with her daughter.  I appreciated her openness and our conversation helped to put my mind at ease and made her endearing.  I not only liked her, I admired her.  I told her about how your dad’s choice in friends gave me confidence in his judgment when choosing a mate. I trusted that she was a good person because he wouldn’t be with her if she wasn’t.  I walked away wanting to hang out with them again. 

I was surprised by my excitement for them as a couple.  I saw Carmella as someone who made your dad happy again and as another person to adore you.  Those genuine feelings removed any doubt in my mind that I loved your dad in the purest sense of the word.  Our time together wasn't a mistake or regrettable.  Driving back to work that day it dawned on me that being his best friend wasn't my role anymore.  I imagined that was similar to what Carmella was talking about when she recounted her feelings about another person being involved in the family dynamic where she was once the primary female.  It stung, but divorce is an event that forces people to rearrange their life in a variety of ways.  It's very hard, but hopefully this new configuration will end up being more beautiful and sustainable for all of us.  My heart is happy and content knowing that he found his Mella and he's going to be just fine without me and let him go without remorse or guilt.  It may not even make sense to you as an adult, but it was in him finding love that allowed me to acknowledge that my love for him was pure even if it wasn’t with me that he lived happily ever after.