Meeting Carmella

Dear Ashby,

After we split, Dad and I discussed how to handle another person coming into your life when we began dating. We agreed that we would both have a say about the best way to present it to you and give the other a chance to meet this person before introducing you.  We stuck to our plan when your dad told me about his new love about a year later.  He wanted you to meet her, so the three of us planned to meet for lunch.  Meeting her made me nervous and excited in a strange sort of way. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, Carmella and your dad were already sitting at a table. He stood up and gave me a hug.  We hadn’t hugged for a long time, so I knew it was his way of settling my nerves.   Even though all 3 of us were a little tongue tied I could tell that she was trying to make me comfortable.  We talked about her daughter, you and your dad.  As we acknowledged that this was all uncharted territory, she shared how she felt when she was in my shoes and met her ex’s first girlfriend.  She explained how she wasn’t jealous of her, but felt unsettled by the possibility of another woman being in an intimate relationship with her daughter.  I appreciated her openness and our conversation helped to put my mind at ease and made her endearing.  I not only liked her, I admired her.  I told her about how your dad’s choice in friends gave me confidence in his judgment when choosing a mate. I trusted that she was a good person because he wouldn’t be with her if she wasn’t.  I walked away wanting to hang out with them again. 

I was surprised by my excitement for them as a couple.  I saw Carmella as someone who made your dad happy again and as another person to adore you.  Those genuine feelings removed any doubt in my mind that I loved your dad in the purest sense of the word.  Our time together wasn't a mistake or regrettable.  Driving back to work that day it dawned on me that being his best friend wasn't my role anymore.  I imagined that was similar to what Carmella was talking about when she recounted her feelings about another person being involved in the family dynamic where she was once the primary female.  It stung, but divorce is an event that forces people to rearrange their life in a variety of ways.  It's very hard, but hopefully this new configuration will end up being more beautiful and sustainable for all of us.  My heart is happy and content knowing that he found his Mella and he's going to be just fine without me and let him go without remorse or guilt.  It may not even make sense to you as an adult, but it was in him finding love that allowed me to acknowledge that my love for him was pure even if it wasn’t with me that he lived happily ever after.