Ashby,
You and I stayed overnight with Amanda last night and slept in the guest room. I won't allow you to 'habitually' sleep with me, so you thought it was pretty cool. I have to confess, it's a big treat for me, too. Sometimes when I wake up at night and you're not next to me I feel anxious like I did when you were a newborn. Nana and GP have always both said that you don't stop worrying about your kids just because they grow up. I get it.
Your dad and I decided that we wouldn't co-sleep because his best friend did and his daughter was 7 and wouldn't sleep alone. We wanted you to be secure enough to sleep in your own bed and agreed to put the effort in to make that happen while you were a baby. I won't go into the fact that we liked to sleep and had our own adult needs.
The convictions you have regarding parenting can really transform after you actually become one. Especially at 12, 2, and 4am when you were hungry, crying and I was just short of lucid. Donna assured me that bringing you into bed to feed you was a practical solution, not a failure to live up to my parental convictions. When I gave in on similar battles she would always tell me, 'there's no bad habit that a few nights of crying-it-out can't undo'. After that I bucked the common wisdom that 'co-sleeping' could make your child insecure and they'd inevitably drop out of school and fall into drug addiction and I found contentment then that I hadn't experienced since you were born.
Your dad took many shifts as a dedicated team member, especially during the first year of your life. We worked (and slept) in tandem. Your dad would take a shift and I'd sleep from 8 to midnight or 1 and he'd bring you upstairs to me and I'd feed you and fall back asleep. He worked at night as a recording engineer, so he fit perfectly into the night-shift role. It worked well.
You and I slept in the same bed that you sleep in now for the first 5 months of your life. Having you near helped me relax. I got my 'sea-legs' as a mother when I realized that being effective as your mom was more about instinct than it was about what the books said and the latest research. That's pretty much why I decided to write this entry. Right now, you most likely believe that you derive more comfort having someone next to you when you are sleeping. But really, as your mom I probably am the most content when you are next to me at the most vulnerable time instinctively (at night) because I know I would be there to address any need you'd have just like I did when you were a helpless newborn. And all of the other people who love you like Go Go and your dad feel the same way, too. I need you to know by the time you read this and you'll be able to understand that there was no better feeling than I had in those first five months of your life when I was able to sleep next you and see your little chest rise and fall with each breath.
Each night when we read books and hang out in your bed, it reminds me of when you were brand new and we bonded in that very same bed. It's hard to not hear you breathing right next to me in the middle of the night, but I'm hoping you'll realize that you are a brave big boy and that you are OK on your own. One of my favorite quotes is, 'It's not brave, if you're not scared.' I think both of us are pretty brave.
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