Home for the Holidays

Dear Ashby,

Every year there's a mad dash beginning at Halloween and ending 2 months later.  It entails cleaning, cooking, shopping, traveling and having a to-do list twice as long as my legs in-hand at any given time, except when I'm at the store or running errands and I need it.  This my child, is what we call the holidays....well some of us call it the holidays and other people get mad about that.  'The holidays' can include any or all of the following:  Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas and New Years...there may be more but I'm not aware of them.

Some people think that calling it the holidays or saying 'happy holidays' is a insult to Christians, but I think it's more of a 'Pop, Soda, or Coke' kind of scenario. When you're in Cincinnati, it's 'pop', when you're in New York or just about anywhere Northeast of Ohio, it's 'soda', and when you're down South, it's 'Coke', or 'Pepsi'...but no matter how you say it, they are carbonated beverages.

  The reason that some people say it's offensive is because retailers tell their employees not to say 'Merry Christmas' because not everyone celebrates Christmas and it may offend a patron.  I'm sure that's possible, not in South Carolina but somewhere I'm sure!  I often wonder why they are patronizing places that hold such contrary beliefs to their own, maybe they'd be better off to shop somewhere else instead of getting mad about it.  I can't have any extra agitation this time of year, it's stressful enough getting my to-do list done. So, I don't get offended when someone says 'happy holidays.'  It's always better than giving me the finger or cutting me off in traffic (which is more common around the holidays).  It seems kind of silly to me that loving thy neighbor by wishing them well would enrage anyone...maybe it's flawed thinking, but I'm going to stand by it.

What do the holidays mean for you?

Lets start with our trip to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving:

1.  New Movies:  On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, the library has an incredibly poor selection of scratched DVD's.  So I added 'buy new DVD's for trip' to the To-Do list (which really means go to the used bookstore and grab the $3.00 previously viewed DVD's, but nonetheless still a win for you).
2.  I 'found' your Nintendo DS:  I put DS games out there as a gift idea for the family...but your DS has been missing for months.  It thought was a horrible idea to buy you one right before Christmas, so I 'found' it at a pawn shop for $70.00.  I didn't want to feel like I was spoiling you, so I told you that I found it...yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense (win #2).
3.  You inevitably get more junk food:  This happens because like any good opportunist, you see a chance and take it. I'm often too distracted to say 'no' when traveling or multi-tasking (win #3).
4.  You inevitably get away with more:  You scream from the back seat with your headphones on, "TURN IT DOWN, I can't hear my movie!!!'  Then I yell back, "NO, turn your movie up! I've already turned this down and I can barely hear it!"  Then I realize that the first 2 times you yelled it, I did turn it down!  You were yelling at me and it worked! (Win #4-instead of a long winded lecture on how to talk to adults and other people in general from your mother while in time-out, yellling actually works).  Not sure why I was surprised that you've used 'No!' on me since we've been back....

I suppose we both behave badly around the holidays intermittently. And because I'm stressed sometimes, so are you.  I'm sorry for that and I will continue to work on it.  Despite the stress, I believe that it's the most wonderful time of the year because I get to experience it with you.

Love,
Mom

Facebook Posts about Ashby 2010-2011

Like my parents when I was young

Dear Ashby,

I worry.  Shhhh.  Don't tell.   I despise worrying because worry isn't action.  Worry is what victims do.  Action is triumph.  Everyone used to say I was too sensitive and I worry that you are, too.  It's pretty ironic because if someone criticizes that same quality in you, my mother-bear instincts kick-in to overdrive...yeah I'm sensitive. What is 'too sensitive'?  Is it curable?  Should it be?

My objection is that attempts to 'toughen' me up only served to hurt my feelings and didn't change my temperament at all.  With this in mind, I try to teach you to cope and to take action.  I know I can't change that things bother you. When those around me hurt, I know it and I feel it, too.  I don't think being aware of that is a bad thing. I want you to know that it is in your power to affect change in what makes you unhappy. When this world hurts you, it is your choice to surrender as powerless or to recognize your pain and use that emotional energy to better the situation instead of allow it to consume you.

If you learn this early, you can harness the power of your depth of feeling and recognize the control you have over your relationship with this world.  I work really hard to give you choices and that your decisions and the right choices can better your life and the wrong ones have consequences.  I take offense that being sensitive is bad.  There's a long line of feeling deeply in your family.  You have a lot of fire-cracker genes in you and it works both ways.  It can hurt you and it can hurt others.  However, if you have the tools to manage the power of your feelings I really believe that your life can have a texture and vibrancy that makes the unavoidable pain and joy worth every moment.  I love you, little man.   I always thought all of the worry mom and dad had was silly because I was always fine. I suppose the kid in me should have a talk with the mom in me, huh?   When you feel deeply, it's inevitable that your strength builds like scars and we end up 'strong like bull' and the joy we feel that much more exquisite.

I love you,
Mommy
     

The R word

Ashby,

We had an interesting conversation a few weeks ago and I'm thinking I need to write this one down.  You asked, 'Mommy you know everything, don't you?'  To which I wanted to reply 'yes,' but instead decided to be honest.  The conversation continued:

Me:   No buddy, I know some things, but nobody knows everthing.
You:  But you're smarter than most people, right?
Me:   Well, you could say that I'm smarter than some.
You:  Yes, you're very smart.
Me:   Thank you.
You:  So, do you believe in God?

You are quite something, little man!  I told you that God can be defined in different ways and I think of God as the energy and spirit of pure love.  And sometimes people disagree, but no matter what someone believes no one's belief is bad if it enables them to find peace and be kind to others.

Nana and Uncle Matt are very strong believers in Jesus.  Nana believes that there is only way way to get to Heaven and that is to accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.  Matt has just begun his spiritual journey with Jesus so I'm not positive that he feels the same way but I think he may.  Your dad is somewhere between Agnostic and Athiest and I am just like an everything bagel at this point.  My belief system is a little of everthing.  It's hard to talk to people about it when you have questions.  I am curious and my passion for learning and short attention span can outweigh my tact when I'm trying to flush out a complex concept in my head, my co-workers are also painfully aware of this.  Sometimes a question about religion can be misconstrued as questioning one's faith...and most people are pretty passionate about their faith! 

2 friends of mine who don't know eachother and are polar opposites recently made mention of the same concept that pretty much God is infinite and it is very possible that we couldn't comprehend the answers to our questions even if they were given.  Essentially, the concept revealed would not make sense to us because we only have knowledge of life in the context of our being here and now.  I have subscribed to this philosophy for a while, in that there can be more than one right answer and that we may not understand it fully in our lifetime. 

However, there's a new part I hadn't considered until my friend brought it up.  It's that this belief didn't rule out the validity of Christianity, but it could be a part of that 'infinite' concept.  This philosphy doesn't have to be at odds with Christianity but could serve instead as a clue to a more complex answer that we'll understand later. 

My only concern about learning more is I don't want to subscribe to something that makes me mad or hate people that feel differently.  It surprises me again and again how Religion can morph from love into hate so stealthily.  I wonder what path you will have followed by the time you read this.  Your father and I agreed that we would allow you to make your own decision and not force feed you something that you'd grow to resent.  I wanted your spirituality to grow naturally as you allow it and feel it.  Nana's taking you to church when you're here on Sundays and you seem to enjoy it, I don't make you go (unless you say you want to, then I make you honor your committment, that's a entirely different letter).  I also wonder where I'll be when you read this, I hope it's somewhere good.        

My Favorite Part of the Day

Ashby,

You and I stayed overnight with Amanda last night and slept in the guest room.  I won't allow you to 'habitually' sleep with me, so you thought it was pretty cool.   I have to confess, it's a big treat for me, too.  Sometimes when I wake up at night and you're not next to me I feel anxious like I did when you were a newborn.  Nana and GP have always both said that you don't stop worrying about your kids just because they grow up.  I get it.  

Your dad and I decided that we wouldn't co-sleep because his best friend did and his daughter was 7 and wouldn't sleep alone.  We wanted you to be secure enough to sleep in your own bed and agreed to put the effort in to make that happen while you were a baby.  I won't go into the fact that we liked to sleep and had our own adult needs.

The convictions you have regarding parenting can really transform after you actually become one.  Especially at 12, 2, and 4am when you were hungry, crying and I was just short of lucid.  Donna assured me that bringing you into bed to feed you was a practical solution, not a failure to live up to my parental convictions. When I gave in on similar battles she would always tell me, 'there's no bad habit that a few nights of crying-it-out can't undo'.  After that I bucked the common wisdom that 'co-sleeping' could make your child  insecure and they'd inevitably drop out of school and fall into drug addiction and I found contentment then that I hadn't experienced since you were born.  

Your dad took many shifts as a dedicated team member, especially during the first year of your life.  We worked (and slept) in tandem. Your dad would take a shift and I'd sleep from 8 to midnight or 1 and he'd bring you upstairs to me and I'd feed you and fall back asleep.  He worked at night as a recording engineer, so he fit perfectly into the night-shift role.  It worked well.

You and I slept in the same bed that you sleep in now for the first 5 months of your life. Having you near helped me relax.  I got my 'sea-legs' as a mother when I realized that being effective as your mom was more about instinct than it was about what the books said and the latest research.  That's pretty much why I decided to write this entry.  Right now, you most likely believe that you derive more comfort having someone next to you when you are sleeping.  But really, as your mom I probably am the most content when you are next to me at the most vulnerable time instinctively (at night) because I know I would be there to address any need you'd have just like I did when you were a helpless newborn.  And all of the other people who love you like Go Go and your dad feel the same way, too.  I need you to know by the time you read this and you'll be able to understand that there was no better feeling than I had in those first five months of your life when I was able to sleep next you and see your little chest rise and fall with each breath.   

Each night when we read books and hang out in your bed, it reminds me of when you were brand new and we bonded in that very same bed.  It's hard to not hear you breathing right next to me in the middle of the night, but I'm hoping you'll realize that you are a brave big boy and that you are OK on your own.  One of my favorite quotes is, 'It's not brave, if you're not scared.'  I think both of us are pretty brave.

How to Grow Roots in Any Climate

Ashby,
When I was little, Matt and I went to Dad's every other weekend.  Our home was without question at 4903 Orland Road.  I worry about you feeling secure because you're at 11 Ellesmere Drive every Monday and Tuesday, then at your dad's Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend.  You end up with 2 or 4 nights at your dad's each week.  Before we decided on what our custody arrangement would be, I tried to research it on-line.  Every site I visited had an agenda or a point of view that they were trying to 'sell'.  There wasn't much science or objective information about which custody arrangements are the most beneficial for children. I asked Donna if she knew about any studies because she works at Virginia Tech and teaches Sociology. She sent me the study that dad and I eventually based our custody arrangement on.  Kids were more well adjusted (based on grades, school dicipline records, criminal record, personal accounts, etc ) when they had equal access to both parents.  I remembered that Matt was resentful of Mom because he didn't get to see his dad after he moved out.  I didn't want that to happen to you.

Nana urged me to get you into Karate right after dad moved out. It was every Monday and Wednesday.  Dad and I both made it to nearly every one, so you got to see your dad an extra day.  I think it helped you with the transition, too.  Nana was integral in making it work. She not only paid for the first 4 months, she picked you up from school and took you there whenever she wasn't working.  You gave her a hard time for a while. Usually it was because you were expecting your dad to pick you up from school.  I tried to tell you what to expect each morning, but sometimes I forgot to tell you what day it was and sometimes your dad couldn't pick you up.

We were all trying to adjust to the huge change in our lives.  Nana was preoccupied with making sure that I was OK when your dad first left because she didn't have much support when she went through her divorce.  When she watched you, she would normally rush around the house cleaning or cooking so I wouldn't have so much to do when I got home.  This left her with less time to play with you.  Plus, she wasn't very good at imaginary sword-fighting or playing magic tranforming weaponized surfers, at least at first.  You two definitely bonded, a little later on. 

Each of us had to figure out what this new configuration meant to us.  It wasn't easy, we had our own wounds that needed to heal on top of obsessing over keeping you emotionally whole.  But, sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes, we needed some time to pass before it became bearable.    

Meeting Carmella

Dear Ashby,

After we split, Dad and I discussed how to handle another person coming into your life when we began dating. We agreed that we would both have a say about the best way to present it to you and give the other a chance to meet this person before introducing you.  We stuck to our plan when your dad told me about his new love about a year later.  He wanted you to meet her, so the three of us planned to meet for lunch.  Meeting her made me nervous and excited in a strange sort of way. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, Carmella and your dad were already sitting at a table. He stood up and gave me a hug.  We hadn’t hugged for a long time, so I knew it was his way of settling my nerves.   Even though all 3 of us were a little tongue tied I could tell that she was trying to make me comfortable.  We talked about her daughter, you and your dad.  As we acknowledged that this was all uncharted territory, she shared how she felt when she was in my shoes and met her ex’s first girlfriend.  She explained how she wasn’t jealous of her, but felt unsettled by the possibility of another woman being in an intimate relationship with her daughter.  I appreciated her openness and our conversation helped to put my mind at ease and made her endearing.  I not only liked her, I admired her.  I told her about how your dad’s choice in friends gave me confidence in his judgment when choosing a mate. I trusted that she was a good person because he wouldn’t be with her if she wasn’t.  I walked away wanting to hang out with them again. 

I was surprised by my excitement for them as a couple.  I saw Carmella as someone who made your dad happy again and as another person to adore you.  Those genuine feelings removed any doubt in my mind that I loved your dad in the purest sense of the word.  Our time together wasn't a mistake or regrettable.  Driving back to work that day it dawned on me that being his best friend wasn't my role anymore.  I imagined that was similar to what Carmella was talking about when she recounted her feelings about another person being involved in the family dynamic where she was once the primary female.  It stung, but divorce is an event that forces people to rearrange their life in a variety of ways.  It's very hard, but hopefully this new configuration will end up being more beautiful and sustainable for all of us.  My heart is happy and content knowing that he found his Mella and he's going to be just fine without me and let him go without remorse or guilt.  It may not even make sense to you as an adult, but it was in him finding love that allowed me to acknowledge that my love for him was pure even if it wasn’t with me that he lived happily ever after.