My Favorite Part of the Day

Ashby,

You and I stayed overnight with Amanda last night and slept in the guest room.  I won't allow you to 'habitually' sleep with me, so you thought it was pretty cool.   I have to confess, it's a big treat for me, too.  Sometimes when I wake up at night and you're not next to me I feel anxious like I did when you were a newborn.  Nana and GP have always both said that you don't stop worrying about your kids just because they grow up.  I get it.  

Your dad and I decided that we wouldn't co-sleep because his best friend did and his daughter was 7 and wouldn't sleep alone.  We wanted you to be secure enough to sleep in your own bed and agreed to put the effort in to make that happen while you were a baby.  I won't go into the fact that we liked to sleep and had our own adult needs.

The convictions you have regarding parenting can really transform after you actually become one.  Especially at 12, 2, and 4am when you were hungry, crying and I was just short of lucid.  Donna assured me that bringing you into bed to feed you was a practical solution, not a failure to live up to my parental convictions. When I gave in on similar battles she would always tell me, 'there's no bad habit that a few nights of crying-it-out can't undo'.  After that I bucked the common wisdom that 'co-sleeping' could make your child  insecure and they'd inevitably drop out of school and fall into drug addiction and I found contentment then that I hadn't experienced since you were born.  

Your dad took many shifts as a dedicated team member, especially during the first year of your life.  We worked (and slept) in tandem. Your dad would take a shift and I'd sleep from 8 to midnight or 1 and he'd bring you upstairs to me and I'd feed you and fall back asleep.  He worked at night as a recording engineer, so he fit perfectly into the night-shift role.  It worked well.

You and I slept in the same bed that you sleep in now for the first 5 months of your life. Having you near helped me relax.  I got my 'sea-legs' as a mother when I realized that being effective as your mom was more about instinct than it was about what the books said and the latest research.  That's pretty much why I decided to write this entry.  Right now, you most likely believe that you derive more comfort having someone next to you when you are sleeping.  But really, as your mom I probably am the most content when you are next to me at the most vulnerable time instinctively (at night) because I know I would be there to address any need you'd have just like I did when you were a helpless newborn.  And all of the other people who love you like Go Go and your dad feel the same way, too.  I need you to know by the time you read this and you'll be able to understand that there was no better feeling than I had in those first five months of your life when I was able to sleep next you and see your little chest rise and fall with each breath.   

Each night when we read books and hang out in your bed, it reminds me of when you were brand new and we bonded in that very same bed.  It's hard to not hear you breathing right next to me in the middle of the night, but I'm hoping you'll realize that you are a brave big boy and that you are OK on your own.  One of my favorite quotes is, 'It's not brave, if you're not scared.'  I think both of us are pretty brave.

How to Grow Roots in Any Climate

Ashby,
When I was little, Matt and I went to Dad's every other weekend.  Our home was without question at 4903 Orland Road.  I worry about you feeling secure because you're at 11 Ellesmere Drive every Monday and Tuesday, then at your dad's Wednesday and Thursday and every other weekend.  You end up with 2 or 4 nights at your dad's each week.  Before we decided on what our custody arrangement would be, I tried to research it on-line.  Every site I visited had an agenda or a point of view that they were trying to 'sell'.  There wasn't much science or objective information about which custody arrangements are the most beneficial for children. I asked Donna if she knew about any studies because she works at Virginia Tech and teaches Sociology. She sent me the study that dad and I eventually based our custody arrangement on.  Kids were more well adjusted (based on grades, school dicipline records, criminal record, personal accounts, etc ) when they had equal access to both parents.  I remembered that Matt was resentful of Mom because he didn't get to see his dad after he moved out.  I didn't want that to happen to you.

Nana urged me to get you into Karate right after dad moved out. It was every Monday and Wednesday.  Dad and I both made it to nearly every one, so you got to see your dad an extra day.  I think it helped you with the transition, too.  Nana was integral in making it work. She not only paid for the first 4 months, she picked you up from school and took you there whenever she wasn't working.  You gave her a hard time for a while. Usually it was because you were expecting your dad to pick you up from school.  I tried to tell you what to expect each morning, but sometimes I forgot to tell you what day it was and sometimes your dad couldn't pick you up.

We were all trying to adjust to the huge change in our lives.  Nana was preoccupied with making sure that I was OK when your dad first left because she didn't have much support when she went through her divorce.  When she watched you, she would normally rush around the house cleaning or cooking so I wouldn't have so much to do when I got home.  This left her with less time to play with you.  Plus, she wasn't very good at imaginary sword-fighting or playing magic tranforming weaponized surfers, at least at first.  You two definitely bonded, a little later on. 

Each of us had to figure out what this new configuration meant to us.  It wasn't easy, we had our own wounds that needed to heal on top of obsessing over keeping you emotionally whole.  But, sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes, we needed some time to pass before it became bearable.    

Meeting Carmella

Dear Ashby,

After we split, Dad and I discussed how to handle another person coming into your life when we began dating. We agreed that we would both have a say about the best way to present it to you and give the other a chance to meet this person before introducing you.  We stuck to our plan when your dad told me about his new love about a year later.  He wanted you to meet her, so the three of us planned to meet for lunch.  Meeting her made me nervous and excited in a strange sort of way. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, Carmella and your dad were already sitting at a table. He stood up and gave me a hug.  We hadn’t hugged for a long time, so I knew it was his way of settling my nerves.   Even though all 3 of us were a little tongue tied I could tell that she was trying to make me comfortable.  We talked about her daughter, you and your dad.  As we acknowledged that this was all uncharted territory, she shared how she felt when she was in my shoes and met her ex’s first girlfriend.  She explained how she wasn’t jealous of her, but felt unsettled by the possibility of another woman being in an intimate relationship with her daughter.  I appreciated her openness and our conversation helped to put my mind at ease and made her endearing.  I not only liked her, I admired her.  I told her about how your dad’s choice in friends gave me confidence in his judgment when choosing a mate. I trusted that she was a good person because he wouldn’t be with her if she wasn’t.  I walked away wanting to hang out with them again. 

I was surprised by my excitement for them as a couple.  I saw Carmella as someone who made your dad happy again and as another person to adore you.  Those genuine feelings removed any doubt in my mind that I loved your dad in the purest sense of the word.  Our time together wasn't a mistake or regrettable.  Driving back to work that day it dawned on me that being his best friend wasn't my role anymore.  I imagined that was similar to what Carmella was talking about when she recounted her feelings about another person being involved in the family dynamic where she was once the primary female.  It stung, but divorce is an event that forces people to rearrange their life in a variety of ways.  It's very hard, but hopefully this new configuration will end up being more beautiful and sustainable for all of us.  My heart is happy and content knowing that he found his Mella and he's going to be just fine without me and let him go without remorse or guilt.  It may not even make sense to you as an adult, but it was in him finding love that allowed me to acknowledge that my love for him was pure even if it wasn’t with me that he lived happily ever after.